The best birthday

present ever???  Had my scan yesterday and this is what we saw:

This is not mine BTW, but it is more clear than my images.. a BLACK DOT.. also known as the gestational sac.. and it is exactly 5 weeks and 1 day old today.  And that means that this thing was conceived on my Birthday!!!  Original definitely.

It is a little scary that I am only 5 weeks along, but am less stressed than I was yesterday about miscarriage.  My dear friend Judith sent me an awesome email and talking to mum also calmed me down.  I am really trying to just take it one day at a time!  At the moment I am extremely tired and tend to go to bed at 8.30 PM (which is only one hour earlier than normal) but when I wake up I am still tired. During the day, especially after 1 PM I can barely keep my eyes open..

I told my boss yesterday too, after the initial shock she was pretty awesome and was more than willing to accommodate me by planning experiments in a way that I will be able to have some data by the time the baby is due.

For now just keeping fingers crossed that all will go well!



Had my first

Doctors appointment yesterday.. it was crazy and terribly overwhelming.. I dont really know what I was thinking.. but when I walked in it all just happened at once.. And then I was back outside again. I mean the Doc talked and I had to pee and she mentioned some things and I remembered to ask about prenantal vitamins, but nothing else..

Had lunch with Janey and was a little shocked spoke to Leo and Aurelie and then came home.  It was too early for Y so I went for a walk on the beach to clear my head, but all I could think was.. how the FUCK are we going to do this and there is no way I can do this alone, I mean all I did was go to the Doc and that was overwhelming and now it is only going to get worse…Then I thought about terminating but knew there was no way I would be able to forgive myself.  And it is not like I am the first person ever to have a baby .. After my not so clarifying walk, well I realised that this was really happening so I guess it clarified that.  I called Y and we talked and I cried and then I said that another option was to terminate but he was very much against it although he said that if that is what I wanted he would support me.

And now I am  sitting here wanting to post this, but since it is all so early (5-6 weeks according to my last period) I think I will wait until after I see the ugly Alien on Monday.. this is a scan to see how old the thing is….

I am still not really convinced that it is happening, or that it will last.. I dont really feel “pregnant”. I am tired, but I hardly slept.. and my boobs are sore but not extremely.. No real nausea, well around 11 when I am really hungry… but that is it.  And now I think I can feel some weird cramping (I have this feeling that it might be an ectopic pregnancy) maybe because a friend had it and i read about it.. I dont know.. anyway will see if it gets worse and/or I get a period..

I spoke to mum last night and hearing her say that she and dad will be there if we need them really put my mind at ease.  Y and I still have no real solution but  after all my panic attacks it is time to just chill.. Will see what happens with the scan, and then wait for Y to get here and then wait for the 12 weeks to pass!

Ever since

Y and I started going out I knew that he was “the one”.  It took me a while to tell him that though.  I always believed that when you meet someone, you know instantly that it will work.. I obviously only experienced the:  “This is never going to last” relationships before meeting Y.

We got together on the 14th of January.. at the end of January I went back to Holland to see my parents and friends and at the time not really knowing what was going to happen between us. I also went to the family GP to get a check up..While there I mentioned my irregular cycle. This Doc asked me if I wanted to have children I answered: Not yet.  She then said, well you wont be able to have children without medical help.

Walking out of that office I burst into tears, since I realised that while I had never seriously considered babies, NOW I did. I texted Y just saying that I wished he could be here with me… And we ended up talking on the phone when I told him the whole story and was also very clear that now that I had met him I wanted babies.  While we had only know each other for  a few weeks this comment did not make him run in the other direction!  And to me only confirmed what a special guy he is.  I ended up calling another doc from the same practice and she was so much nicer than the first one, telling me that it is quite common for woman to have these irregular cycles (I go 3 months without period sometimes) and that once I want to have babies I can start medication OR that often it returns to normal by itself.  That eased my worries and I left it at that.

The past 2 months I have been pretty obsessed with having babies, it might have been because I knew I was leaving and wanting something to hold on/ biological clock/ all my friends are pregnant.. who knows..  I told Y this and we discussed how it would not really be handy etc but that it was something we both wanted in the future.  In the mean time  we had lots and lots of unprotected sex, I mean I am challenged in the fertility department and his swimmers must swim backwards with the amount of coffee and cigs he consumes so I never was really concerned, but I did hope it would happen… I took a preggo test and when it was negative I was pretty disappointed.   And then I left for Sydney, I had been reading up on pregnancy symptoms and thought I felt some.. but when I arrived and did another test it was Negative again.. I was sad, but figured I would just need to get checked out properly and then decide what course of action we should take.  About a week later, my boobs were killing me and  I was extremely tired.. but I had also just moved to Bondi and was not sleeping very well. I did not want to do another test just to be disappointed AGAIN. So I complained  (tired, sore boobs) and denied any pregnancy accusations from friends saying that it was not possible.   That all changed yesterday… I decided to do the stupid test, after dreaming about babies all night and then bursting into tears for no apparent reason when talking to Y and also because I had a doctor’s appointment and wanted to tell the doc these are my symptoms BUT I am NOT pregnant.  Bought the cheapo test at the pharmacy came home and peed.. and there it was two lines..   Tried calling Y but no answer so took a pic and emailed it to A, one the people who kept telling me to do the test, it was so surreal. She was all yep that means you are preggo.. Then Y txted asking what was wrong so I called him and told him… the test says that I am preggo.. he was on his way to uni so we decided to discuss more once he got there. His immediate reaction was that it was AWESOME.

Y and I have spent at least 4 hrs on Skype since I found out yesterday afternoon trying to figure stuff out, but also not wanting to get carried away since it is so early and I might just get a period next week or tomorrow.  or next month. The good thing is that I am seeing the doc today anyway so hopefully she will be able to tell me something more and maybe do a blood test.. Whatever happens happens and it is out my control now, if it all goes well GREAT if it doesn’t than at least we know that we CAN have babies without medical intervention!

I have

the best boyfriend ever!  After just one day I realised that not having Y here was not going down too well.  We both knew it would be hard, I just did not think it would be this hard.  I really assumed that being here with my friends would make it all easier. And while  I am not constantly in tears I miss him terribly. He has booked his tickets and will be here in exactly 29 days!!  There are no words to describe how happy it makes me.. YAY!!!!!

I have gotten to know my flatmate a bit better and she is really lovely!  We had dinner on Friday night and see each other most evenings, not for dinner always but just when she gets home.  She is super sporty  and extremely conscious of what she eats (I went for one run and have yet to swim visit gym), which is a little intense sometimes ( or maybe I am just jealous of her motivation to exercise) other than that she seems GREAT.

Work is OK, I just hate the office that I am in.. it is a shared office, and being an only child not something I am used to.. AND I have always pretty spoilt when it comes to office space.. So having to share with 5 other people gets a bit much. Considering moving to my old lab where i will only have to share with 1 other person!!  On the other hand it means having to put up with my old boss…. I know it is totally bullshit to even be bothered about this.. I mean really I have an awesome job and now I am complaining because I am sharing an office…


I am in my new (old) bed in my new room in the same street that I lived in 2 yrs ago.. just moved up a few buildings and went from the 1st to the 2nd floor.

It is weird being in a new place.. I can hear the neighbours obviously and at the moment it sounds like someone is having a major pee.. but it may just be the water running down the drain.  Got my earplugs, so will just wear them.

My flatmate seems really nice, I was a litte apprehensive having to share with someone I dont really know but I think it might all just work out.. I only saw her for 10 min today and am having dinner with her tomorrow night so will be able to get to know her a bit better.

Garth totally saved my life by putting everything together, despite me having put this bed together for a few times, today everything was just too heavy!  Once the bed was done we did the drawers and then discussed the placement.. the room is TINY so to fit everything in is a little hard, but I think I will also be  able to fit a small desk in it.  (Pics to follow)

I hate the

fact that I just went to IKEA and bought the same fucking bed AGAIN for the 3rd time in 6 years.. and not because I broke them, but because I keep moving countries.. and I am never 100% sure if this will be the last time. So I dont really want to spend too much money on furniture.

Had my first 3 hrs at my new job today.. it was OK, mostly filling up papers and trying to get keys. Unfortunately for me, my (shared) office is in a part of the building where access is restricted. You need a swipecard to get in, even worse the toilets are located behind the door with swipe access, so my frequent peeing is really restricted.

I am still having a hard time with not having Y here.. but at least the sleeping has somewhat improved and am hoping that it will get better (0n my new IKEA bed).  I am still hoping that he might just come in June/July…


safe and sound after a very long flight!  It was not too bad actually.. but for the first time ever I am having trouble sleeping (jetlag). It is the first time that I arrived at night in Sydney and I did not like it much at all. It was dark and cold.. Jane came and picked me up and then we went to Maya for a beautiful Indian dinner and were met by L &D, where I am staying.

Before I fell of to sleep I cried ould not believe that I would not be seeing Y until October. I suddenly hated the whole idea of me being here..  I woke up at 3 AM and went went back to sleep from 5-7 …And then went to Uni to say hello to everyone. Seeing the sun shine through the window did make me feel a whole lot better, despite my lack of sleep.

My new boss was not in that day, but my old boss was and it was good seeing him, had a very AWESOME catch up session with Lozzie.  The next night was basically the same.. awake from 3 AM and so very sad.. during the day it is all OK but as soon as I go to bed it really hits me that I am here alone.   I kinda demanded that Y come and visit me before he goes to Canada because I did not think I would be able to cope not seeing him for 5 months, which  he was open to, but he also said it would be rather hard.    After another night of half sleep, I did realise that I was asking a lot, I know it is because I am upset that he is going to Canada instead of spending his holidays here (totally uncalled for, since it was planned before we met).   At the moment I am OK if he does not come. I finally had a full night’s sleep and feel a lot better.. I am looking forward to starting my new job and moving into my new place (but more on that later).