And then my

biggest wish became a reality!

After a crazy 24 hrs where I felt everything from extremely sad to pissed off to defeated to horny (oh yeah, my hormones definitely are still going a bit crazy) suddenly last night the decision was made that Y is coming to Australia at least for a year and then we will go from there.  It is still pretty surreal and I have not completely processed it actually.. I went from thinking we are not going to make it to we are going to be a real family  and do this shit. It also makes me realise that I have the AWESOMEST boyfriend in the whole world.   I dont care what anyone says, the fact that he is willing to throw his life upside down to be with me and the baby means everything to me and has definitely taken away any doubts that I had about him being ready for this!  Luckily for me I get to tell him this face to face in about 48 hrs, since I am leaving in a few hours for the airport and then for my loooooong travel home!

As for Bubbles, well here I am at 20 weeks:

All seems well, I can feel him/her move all the time now (at least as long as I am sitting down). It is still hard to feel it from the outside as a result of my anterior placenta, but when you wait long enough during one of Bubbles’ dances you can feel little movements.  And since s/he is getting bigger I am hoping that before I fly back from Holland Y will have felt it too!

It is almost 4 PM and I am leaving in 3 hrs so I am going to continue packing ( I am pretty sure I am forgetting something extremely important) and eat something before getting a cab and going to the airport.

One of those

days…  I woke up in a total panic a few nights ago thinking that Y is in no way ready for this baby and the massive changes it will bring with it.  Spent the half night stressing myself out and not getting very much sleep. This, the not sleeping part, only makes my panic worse and tired me can only see doom scenario’s.

I sent an email the next morning telling Y that I felt he was not ready for this and that if he wanted out he should do it.  By no means do I want to do this baby thing by myself but I think I would be more upset  if in a few years time he will look at me with hate in his eyes because he  is stuck with me and a child when all he wants is to live his life.

After I sent the email I went about my day, which included a visit to the Hospital to meet the midwife.. I really feel extremely anxious in Hospitals and resent the fact that I have to go to one to see my midwife.. my heart starts racing and I just want to turn around and leave.

All was well with Bubbles (we listened to the heartbeat) but when she started asking about Y and our situation  I nearly cried.  I could not even answer any of her questions since I dont know what is going to happen when the baby gets here.  I just felt like a retard and embarrassed that I am bringing a child into this world and I dont even know where I will be living in the next 4 months.  She even offered me counseling if I wanted it.

When people ask me how I feel about Bubbles I realise that I mainly feel a bit disconnected, as if there is a cloud hanging over this pregnancy because I dont know what will happen.  I feel as if I can not get too excited because I dont know if I am going to have a happy ending. At the moment it more about survival than really enjoying the pregnancy.

I  got to talk Y this morning and it was painful and upsetting and I said things that I have wanted to say for a looooong time  but never did (hoping he would realise them himself).  He probably did but I also think he dismissed them quickly, mainly about him getting a job and his PhD and whether or not he is ready for this.  We still dont have the answers but I hope that it will at least move things along a bit faster. I  dont think we can wait any longer anymore.  I am half way through my pregnancy now and all I really want is for him and I to be together doing dumb baby shit. I want to be arguing over how to put a crib together,  make fun of other couples in the birthing class and discus baby names.  I really dont want to attend the classes since not only do I think they are bit ridiculous, more than that I dont want to sit around a bunch of happy couples while I am there alone or with Jane (and I love Jane dearly!).  Our only option is to find a solution within the 2 weeks when we are together and that is it, there is no more postponing the inevitable.

Fingers crossed it all works out, which I am sure it will just not sure what the outcome will be.

The last

scan.. It was absolutely AWESOME!!!   My friend G had told me to make sure that I eat something sugary before the scan so I stuffed my face with some chocolate thatI had lying around and walked with a very full bladder to the Ultrasound place where J was waiting. I always get extremely nervous before a scan thinking that there might be something wrong.   After a 5 min wait I get called in and the sonographer is the lady who also did my first ultrasound!! She is extremely lovely and for the next hour very patiently explains everything that is happing and what it all means. Despite my full bladder (that I get to empty half way through) it is a great experience and time flies.  At the end she turns the screen away and determines the sex.  I was convinced it was a boy until the ultrasound,  maybe because I did not see a penis, I dont know.. but now I suddenly feel it is a girl..

Jane has the piece of paper and will send me the sex when I am in Holland.. very exciting!

As you can see Bubbles has Enormous feet, they are definitely inherited from Y.. other than that it is a bit hard to determine who the baby looks like….

It is funny that even now, looking at ultrasound pics, I feel extremely proud and I want to show the world that this Baby is the coolest in the world.

18 Weeks and 1 day

I am a day late cause on the exact date I was in a massive hurry AND I was extremely pissed off with Y so really could not be bothered..

 There is definitely something growing in there.. AND  I  started to feel movement, although since I only felt it on two separate occasions, I am not sure if it really was!  Tomorrow is my last scan… Well if all is good.. weird to think that I wont be able to see Bubbles until s/he is born..
Work is INSANE at the moment, but it is good since i am getting heaps done, just a bit tiring though. AND tonight is my first night out in a loooooooong time, going to see Dylan Moran with my friends Lauren and her husband John.. Hopefully I can keep my eyes open..

Well I only just managed to keep my eyes open.. I had the longest day at uni and then the show started at 8 PM and by 9 I was pretty much baked.. John had a wee nap he, like me but unlike Lauren, is an early riser and likes to go to bed by 9 ish.  We tried convincing Lauren that she needed to change her internal clock and be more like us, but not to sure that it worked.  Got home at 10 PM which is really really late for me and then since Y was back in Europe I really wanted to say hello so we were on Skype for another hour before I finally went to sleep.  And since my body refuses to let me sleep after 5 AM I was up early this morning.  No work today though so am enjoying a relaxing morning at home and then the scan and then lunch with Jane and some shopping.