Fresh, regurgitated, digested.. it is everywhere.. and I constantly smell like it. I can not wear a top longer than ooh 30 min.. when I either spring a leak or I get a little spew on it.  The leaky boobs thing is a little funny but mostly annoying. I am not very good at wearing the breast pads, but even when I do there still is milk every where.  Little L gets it on her face/arms/body when she unexpectedly pulls of the boob, this is the funny part.. since it really sprays from the boob.. I always thought it would drop.. but yeah after seeing that 2312 times it is not as funny anymore.  I think that it does get better, the leakyness and I will prob find a bra that is actually comfy to wear which means that the breast pads will get better use too. Plus once we get more mobile I will be forced to wear clothes.. these days I roam around topless most of the time.. or at least with one boob hanging out of a top. Not the most charming look but it is good for the nipples.

Things are getting better around here, although everyone keeps saying that at the 3 week mark (TODAY!!) babies change from quiet and sleepy and reasonable predictable to screaming and unpredictable.  This is called the “witching hour” and can last way longer than 1 hour.. we had some screaming today but we have had some before so am not too sure what it is.  Sleep is there, some nights are ace some nights suck but we manage to get at least 2 blocks of 3 hours.. if we are lucky (so far no luck) they would start at midnight  and end at 7 AM ish but mostly there is a 2 hr wakey time  in between or after the 3 AM feed..  Because Y keeps little L with him from 9 PM I get at least 2-3 hours then too! (ETA:  last night was horrible, no nap in the arvo and no sleep until midnight)..  I am trying to give up on the whole schedule thing but since my life has basically always been pretty much scheduled it is hard to let go, will see how this week pans out but am hoping the crying screaming will not continue and I will be able to nap in the afternoon.

Time to change to put my boobs back into my top and pray that they wont spring a leak in the next hour or so.

nearly 2 weeks

and we are still all here!  Motherhood has been a lot harder than I ever expected.  The first few days were awesome but then I started feeling extremely anxious and insecure, doubting everything I was doing..was she eating enough? Do I offer 1 or 2 boobs?  Is she cold/hot?  I was crying every 10 minutes and not being able to sleep during the day (when everyone says you have to sleep when the baby sleeps). It sucked!  I felt bad because Y did not only have to deal with everything around the house  he also had a crying wife to console. I was thinking I was sinking into depression and that would make me even more anxious.   A  lot of the anxiousness was a result of sleep deprivation and then suddenly after a few days of constant butterflies in my belly I felt relaxed… I have no idea what happened (hormones most likely) but I finally felt that I could breath again.  And while I still sometimes wonder if we are doing everything the way we should, as long as L is looking healthy and alert I figure we are on the right track.

I am still finding my feet though and some days are better than others, I can still burst out in tears when I hear a song or when I am  thinking about L or when she is crying and we do not know how to console her.  I am coping much better with the sleep deprivation and some nights are actually pretty awesome, when she only wakes up once and then there was the night from hell where she just fussed and cried for 4 hrs (but we survived and it made the next night so much sweeter!).

Y is amazing both as a dad and as a partner and I have no idea how I would have coped without him.  Unlike me he is way more relaxed with L.  I guess most dads are.

I remember telling my friends here how in Holland women after having a baby just get on with it, while in Australia we are scared into thinking that it is not possible to have a shower in the first six weeks after having a baby and how I thought that it was bullshit.

I would like to eat my words now.

Yes, I manage to have a shower but that is about it!  Getting out of the house is a little daunting, we managed to leave a few times to go for lunch/ ice cream and doctor. Next week I am going to try to go and have a coffee. Y will be back at work, so to get some adult interaction I will have to leave the house.

The things that  helped me most getting through these 2 weeks is receiving a daily email from A  telling me that everything  is OK and that things do get better. Is being able to call L and hear that she too felt anxious, is asking for advice from other mothers online and realising that I am not alone and getting hugs and kisses from Y whenever we have a moment (which is not very often!).

So we survived the first 2 weeks and next week is going to be a whole new chapter where for 3 days it will be just me and L, but I am confident that we can make it work (maybe no shower though!)





She is HERE

After going past my due date I was a litte upset but realised that Bubbles would come whenever she was ready and as long as she was happy inside, I should be too. Secretly I was still hoping that the 4th of Feb would be her day. Ever since I heard the due date, I was convinced that Bubbles would arrive on the 4th. So when on Friday night the contractions started I was initially thinking that it might be psychosomatic… they were not too painful to start off with and were about 10 to 15 min apart. I stayed in bed until 4 AM and then decided that since I could not sleep I might as well go downstairs and do some laundry. I sent off two emails to my friends saying that I thought it was finally happening but was still unsure and that I would keep them posted.  Y got up and we had breakfast together, by that time I had lost my mucus plug, or at least some of it so I really knew that it was REAL.  I called my mum to cancel lunch since I just wanted to be with Y and spend it together plus having to stand up every ten minutes when a contraction would come would be awkward in a restaurant.

We chilled and made sure we had our bag packed. We went to get a coffee, since staying upright and moving around would help to get things moving a long.. but even after a hot Indian curry my contractions were neither stronger nor closer together. It was pretty frustrating. And still in my head was the 4th.. but Bubbles really needed to hurry up!  Saturday evening I finally called the hospital and was told to take 2 panadol and try and get some sleep.. a lot easier said than done! We went upstairs but sleep was impossible and by that stage I was soo tired that I also found it hard to deal with the contractions, but Y was amazing and remembered to coach me through the breathing.. I decided it would be better to be downstairs on the couch so we took a duna and I called the hospital again. I hate hospitals but by that stage I was just hoping I could come in!  Still a no though, the midwife advised having a shower trying to rest and wait until the contractions were closer together or stronger, but by 6 AM they were still the same. I  had been awake since Friday morning 1 AM and was extremely tired which made it harder to cope with the contractions.  I called the hospital in tears and told the midwife what was happening that I really wanted to sleep. She asked me to come in so I could be assessed and they could give me some painkillers so I could sleep.  I dont think I have been that happy to go to hospital!!  We got a cab and off we went. On the delivery ward I was hooked up to a monitor to check my contractions and Bubbles’ heart rate. I was expected to lie down but that position really made everything more painful so I got up and would stand/rock against Y while I was having a contraction.  I was examined and the 30 hrs of pre-labour had gotten me to 3 cm.. I was sooooo disappointed!!  According to the midwife I could either stay (but be on the clock and she was very honest about it) or take the pain medication and go home to rest and come back when things were a bit further along.  Both Y and I wanted to go home so I could get some rest.. So while we were waiting it turned out that the doc was a bit worried about Bubbles’ heart rate, apparently it was a bit low indicating she might be getting tired.  Y and I were not really convinced and kept asking questions which pissed her off.. we finally decided to stay in the hospital since we did not want to do anything to risk hurting the baby.

The midwife broke my water and there was meconium in it. This convinced me that we made the right decision to stay.  We were moved to the delivery room ( the biggest one) and I was hooked up to a portably monitor so I could continue my stand/rocking way of dealing with the contractions.  After my water was broken,  things did move along a bit, I was 5 cm dilated but the contractions were now coming harder and faster and I found it hard to cope so asked for some pain medication and got Morphine, Oh boy that was the best. Apparently I fell asleep for a bit (dont remember) I do remember being very out of it, especially between contractions when I would kinda nod off.  Since Bubbles’ heart rate was still low the doc’s wanted to take some of her blood to see if they needed to get her out immediately or if I could keep on going. Midwife and one  doctor started, I was 8 cm according to the midwife and 9 cm according to the doc so that was looking good. Unfortunately they were unable to get blood so the head doctor had to come (the one we did not like) she said that I was 6 cm.. I was soo upset cause I felt that I would not be able to cope for another 4 hrs. The blood test showed that everything was still OK and but they did want to put me on a synthetic oxytocin drip. And then everyone left and it was just me and Y again.. Suddenly I felt this urge to push, and I did. Y was telling me to stop since I was only 6 cm and it was bad to push.. but I could not control it. After 3 more contractions,  I rang for the midfwife  another one came and got me to hop on the bed.  She said, oh I can see the head.. just go ahead and push! I was a bit in shock since 30 min before I was told that I was 6 cm…

My “own” midwife came too and she was lovely the other one was a bit strict but exactly what I needed. They made it clear that they wanted the baby out  as soon as possible since they did not want the doc to use a vacuum pump or forceps.  And then within 3 or 4 contractions she was suddenly there!!!

It took about 38 hrs and it was of course totally worth it!  She was a bit stoned from the morphine and only “woke up” once we were moved to the maternity ward.  I was fine and so was L (formerly known as Bubbles). We came home the next day and are slowly getting used to each other.  Will talk all about that  in another post, the one thing I can say it is really really hard.